10,000 Ways That Won't Work
by ocdsugar
Summary: This fanfiction is going to be like that TV show, Friends:


The following must be read in order to understand the story:

References: based slightly upon the comic book and other cartoons (such as costumes and etcetera, for instance, Robin's hair is of more of the Batman: The Animated Series style)

Based on parts of the V.C. Andrews series, the Flowers in the Attic; several ballets may be mentioned:

Coppelia: A story of foolish young man, Franz, who is in love with the beautiful, popular Swanilda and a life sized doll created by Dr. Coppelius. A jealous Swanilda later realizes Coppelia is really a doll, wrecks her, and marries Franz. Though called 'Coppelia', she is actually one of the smallest parts, the star being Swanilda.

Obviously you are familiar with a Midsummer Night's Dream, Sleeping Beauty, the Nutcracker, etc.

Notes: Written 3 years into the future. It has been released that the ages in the cartoon are the following: Robin, 15; Starfire, 15; Cyborg, 17; Raven, 15; Beast Boy, 14. Ages in THIS story are the following in case you suck at math: Robin, 18; Starfire, 18; Cyborg, 20; Raven, 18; Beast Boy, 17.

'' thoughts

music

"- -" what the TV is saying

Although certain events from my other fic, Super: Tales of Titans, will be mentioned, this is NOT A SEQUEL. It has absolutely NOTHING to do with my other stories.

Proviso(s): I do not own Teen Titans, the ballets, television programs, movies, or etc. in this fanfiction.

10,000 Ways That Won't Work

Chapter 1:

"...Now we grieve 'cause now is gone...things were good when we were young..."

-Von Bondies

Once there were Teen Titans and only Teen Titans and it was good.

However, at one time, the need for crime control soared and the Teen Titans became a chain of teams:

The original Teen Titans, stationed between these 3 municipalities: Jump City, Metropolis, and Gotham City.

Titans West, those who were once honorary Titans, the few students from the Hive Academy who decided to make the right choices, new young heroes, or protégés of others.

Titans East, the same situation as T.W, but incredibly less popular...in fact, if the fourth wall broke and they discovered their comic books, Titans East and West would be very disappointed.

Getting back on topic, the Teen Titans, the originals, of course, were now barely needed. In the 3 years since they had come into existence, corruption and delinquency had slowed down to a tedious 3-crimes-every-other-week-if-you're-lucky pace. Sometimes, it even STOPPED for a short period of time-a month or two tops-and during this time, our most beloved and original Titans had become bored and had absolutely nothing to do except for indulge in the teen angst and hormones they didn't have time to notice when they were on a fighting-crime-every-day-except-when-you-_ACTUALLY_-wanted-to-go-do-it-in-which-case-there-would-be-absolutely-none-pace.

Despite the lack of action, the Titans had changed, as most children do. But just who are these new and improved teens? Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you here, a look at life with the older Titans: mature responsible adults with experience and self-control-

"Beast Boy, please stop touching me!"

Ahem. Pardon me.

"What?"

"Beast Boy," Said Starfire, through gritted teeth, "you keep touching me...somewhere. I wish for you to stop."

"I am not!" He was, as far as Starfire knew, not paying attention bearing in mind he never tore his eyes away from the television screen. She looked to Cyborg with pleading eyes.

"You keep knocking into her side...and considering where you're landing, it's on purpose."

"Not to mention the stench of testosterone in the air." Raven dryly added.

The scene itself was amusing alone. A hulking mass of machine and flesh dominated the couch, with a tall, lanky, green-skinned teen, an alien babe, and a pale girl next to him. Beast Boy, the (obviously) green one, had a remote control permanently glued to his hand, a mud-slathered jersey, ragged jean shorts, and one red hi-top with no socks or laces. The other shoe was casually thrown onto the other side of the sofa amid Raven's books. At first look, you wouldn't think the words tall and Beast Boy should belong in the same sentence. Well, they aren't, literally, but that's not the point. Beast Boy was now a giant version of Seth Green: incredibly skinny with no body fat, but no muscles as well. He was 6 feet, the same height as Raven, and had the fastest metabolism this side of Russia.

"Whatever."

He actually had the nerve, about 60 seconds afterward, to bump Starfire again. This wasn't just BB. Any guy sitting next to her would have done it too. Starfire, who had reached 5'11, didn't grow so much in height as she did in the bust department: a D cup. Not exaggerating. The girl had good genes. Several people had gone up to her before asking where she had gotten them done and she, well, hadn't known what to do, but Robin had beaten up many boys and blown off many girls who had expressed the idea. Starfire's hair had also done a lot of growing. Sure, it was longer, way longer, but also more of a wild mane full of red...curls...twists...and waves. She was barefoot; in tight vintage '92 Guess low-ride jeans and a white chest-tight long sleeved t-shirt.

"Stop."

This time it was Raven who commanded. She didn't like to see her best friends poked by some dickwad, who, inevitably, was her friend as well. Raven hadn't really developed but she was at least 2 inches taller than her ginger-haired counterpart. She looked oddly comfortable with her black sweater and blue jeans. Her once round face had narrowed, with dramatic cheek bones, her features taking on sharper and harsher lines.

"God dammit, I haven't done anything!"

30 seconds went before pushing into her side again.

"Beast Boy, I believe the Earth saying goes 'you are trying my patience'!" Star stood up and went around to the back of the couch where he couldn't touch her. "If you do not stop I will...um..."

"Yeah?"

"...mmmm...tell!" She yelled triumphantly remembering her word. Despite her years on the planet, her English was still not up to par.

"What are you? 4? Besides, who are you going to tell? No grown-ups!" His eyes were still looking at the TV screen.

"First of all, it is 'whom are you going to tell'–"

"-Y'know, I'm finding hard to believe you have better grammar than me, no, sorry, I-"

"No, Beast Boy, it is still 'me'."

"...and your English still sucks."

"...and second, Cyborg is an adult. Or at least I believe he is..."

"Well, I don't consider myself to be grown until I get to be the drinking age...but sure, I'm not a teenager anymore." Cyborg acknowledged, somewhat perplexed in realizing he was, well, _old_. He hadn't changed except he was slightly thinner and taller, 6 foot 5.

"Well...you are...almost an adult. And...if you touch me again, Garfield, I shall tell...Robin!"

Beast Boy dropped the remote, turning around to look at her with wide alarmed eyes, for not only had she used his embarrassing first name, she had used the 'R' word as a threat, and for the first time ever, too.

Raven looked as well. "Since when do you use Robin as a weapon?"

"Since I noticed he gets terribly upset when boys look at me."

"Good girl." She gave Star a joking pat on the head, looking slightly pleased. "You are learning well."

Cy shook his head, laughing. "Jesus."

Gar, as we will now sometimes call him, stilled gaped. "No way."

"I will tell Robin."

"You wouldn't dare."

"Really? Let us see then...Ro-"

"No! Nonononono!" He jumped over the back of the couch to shush her with his index finger. "Look, I'll stop touching you, just as long as you don't tell Robin."

"Tell Robin what?"

Speak of the devil.

In Robin's mind, 3 possible things could be happening. 1) Beast Boy had done something awful and Starfire was blackmailing him, though it seemed she would never do anything so devilish. 2) Starfire had seen something she shouldn't have and, while NOT even THINKING of blackmailing him, BB wanted her to swear on a stack of bibles to keep her mouth shut. 3) Beast Boy and Starfire were secretly dating and everyone else knew but Robin and they had agreed that he'd be incredibly upset if he knew. While 2 was the most probable, 3, the most **_UNLIKELY_**, made his blood boil. He didn't let anything cross his face but a slight smirk.

"Well..." Starfire simply blurted out the first terrible thing that the changeling had done recently that came to her mind. "...I saw Beast Boy using your CDs as Frisbees yesterday."

Gar hit his forehead in exasperation. "God, I completely forgot to ask you if you saw that, Star..."

"Oh. So there's something else?"

Starfire opened her mouth, but BB quickly slapped his hand over it to keep her from speaking. "No! Nothing! Absolutely nothing."

They settled back down on the couch. Robin, shaking his head, perched himself on a stool next to the kitchen counter. Robin had definitely grown. 6 foot 4. He had absolutely dropped down on his hands and knees and praised the big man upstairs when he had become taller than Starfire and not just taller, 6 damn inches! It was a huge deal. His hair, like Star's, was also worn differently. Nothing fancy, just short and straight with a couple spikes and a small curl hanging in front over his forehead. Though unsure what brought the change about, the only thing the titans knew was that he hadn't given up his gel. He was currently wearing slacks and a long-sleeved t-shirt, with a large slogan plastered on the front.

"Hey, Kory," Robin was the only person allowed to call her that, "what CDs was he throwing around?"

She turned her head towards him with a small, somewhat sad smile. "The Mighty Mighty Bosstones."

"Shit. Album?"

"'Where Did You Go?'." Starfire was also trained in the art of knowing Robin's CDs by heart.

"Double Shit. I'm going to have to replace it. And it's '_Where'd_ You Go.'"

"But it is proper grammar to-"

"Remember when we talked about slang and how it's SUPPOSED to be that way?"

"Yes." She sighed. "I give my word, you are like a very 'in reverse' parent sometimes."

Robin frowned, not wanting to seem 'backwards', let alone a parent. "Okay, when's the game on?"

It was February, which explained why they were all wearing moderately warm clothes, with the exception of Beast Boy, who, if he wanted to deal with the cold, would turn into a polar bear. Being February, you may have guessed it was Super Bowl Sunday: Gotham Knights vs. the New York Giants.

"The pre-game shows and stuff start around 5." Beast Boy checked the TV Guide.

"Great, that gives me time to pick up stuff at the store. Why do you guys want for dinner?"

"I want Chinese."

"I want meatball subs."

Gar and Cyborg stared at each other with the intensity of a couple of incredibly hungry guys that just wanted to eat either Chinese food or meatball subs, whatever their preference.

And it wasn't just the food.

It was the principal of the food.

"Pizza?"

"Totally."

And they resumed their TV viewing.

"What? No fight?" Robin looked between the couple of guys that had just reached their first mature compromise after staring at each other with the intensity of a couple of incredibly hungry guys that just wanted to eat either Chinese food or meatball subs, whatever their preference just 10 seconds before.

"No, man. I'm really in the mood for pizza."

"Yeah, me too."

For a second there, their leader looked a little happy and then...

"Oh, come ON! Did you really just cooperate with each other without having a fight? That's disgusting!"

"Yep, Robbo...that's about the size of it."

Robin just scribbled away rather nostalgically on the little piece of paper in front of him, thinking about when they actually had fistfights over this kind of trivial subject.

"Okay...drinks?"

"Uh, any kind of soda you can find...but mostly Coke..." Beast Boy said.

"Why?"

"To go with the Pop Rocks."

"Ah." More scribbles littered the paper. "Snacks?"

"Spicy chips, potato chips, corn chips, and uh..._ruffly_ chips."

"_Oooh_, very diverse."

"Thanks..." He didn't get the sarcasm. "...uh, candy, mostly gummy things, caramel, uh, BUBBLE GUM. The gum is as important as lollipops."

"Why bubble gum?"

"For Starfire. She can blow the biggest bubble ever. Y'know, Tamaranians: large lung capacities...should be a book..."

"Very handy... ... ...uh, yes, and the lollipops?"

"We like watching Star suck on them."

"Ah..."

"Better add ice pops for her too."

"Oh...um...yes, we'll get um...Star, what ice pops do you want?"

"The...oh, dear...this is very difficult...the 'lick the colors'?"

"Okay. We'll get the Lickadick-I mean, Lickacolors. Ahem."

Cyborg and Beast Boy snickered. Robin cleared his throat and continued.

"Starfire, you haven't said what drink YOU want."

"Oh, I do not need anything."

"Well, you have to have something to drink..."

"I will just share with the boys..."

"Star, what do you want?"

"I do not need anything."

"Star, what do you WANT?"

"I do not WANT anything because I do not NEED anything..."

"Star, what do you want?"

"Nothing."

"Star, what do you want?"

"Nothing."

"Star, what do you want?!"

"Nothing."

"Star, what do you want?!"

"Nothing."

"STAR...what...do...you...want?!"

"Does the store have any Tamaranian liquor?"

"Uh, no...?"

"Then I do not want anything."

"Kory, you know I don't like alco-oh, wait...that was a joke, wasn't it?"

"Yes...I do believe it was and I do believe you did not get it."

Now Raven even joined in the laughter. Robin just scowled.

"I hate it when you get smart-ass with me, Kory."

"And I hate it when you have no sense of humor..."

"What?"

"Nothing...absolutely nothing..."

"Who have you been hanging around with lately?"

All fingers pointed to Beast Boy.

"That's it...you are officially a bad example to Starfire, Gar. C'mon, Star, you're coming to the store with me." He pulled on a jacket and threw Starfire her Uggs.

"Robin," Raven called to him as he was leaving, "one thing we'll give is that your wit shows through your shirts."

Robin looked down at his shirt.

Wanna know the sad thing about it?

It was true:

"God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh."  
- Voltaire


End file.
